Europeans Will Doom Us All

If science fiction movies have warned us once, they’ve warned us a thousand times - and will do so a hundred thousand more - that machines will be the death of us all. But in an unexpected ray of hope from across the ocean, scientists may be working to prevent our inevitable self-created annihilation from coming to pass... or are they?

The idea that our doom will come at the claws, pincers, hydraulic rams or holographic actuators of our own creations dates back long before science fiction - probably back to shortly after the invention of the wheel.

Somehow we’ve always known, deep down, what was coming... the golems of Jewish lore, Shakespeare's The Tempest (and his 1956 remake "Forbidden Planet"), most of James Cameron's career, all point the same way.

But now, the Center for the Study of Existential Risk - aka, and I kid you not, "the centre for Terminator studies", is set to open at Cambridge University.

It's stated purpose will be to study the "greatest threats to the human species" and will be backed by some of the biggest names in respectable scientific harrumphology, including Britain's Astronomer Royal Lord Rees and another worthy gentleman who is named - I’m still not kidding - Huw Price. (jolly good!)

Lest all this seem a hopeful sign of farsighted wisdom taking preventive action, put on your heavy-duty eye protectors and take a look at this other news item: the Europeans are also planning to build the world's most powerful laser.

It is expected focus 200 million billion watts of energy onto a tiny spot, and ultimately will be capable of - oh god how I wish I was kidding here - ripping apart the fabric of space-time itself.


For those who have not already guessed, this doomsday ray - which is being compared to the 'Death Star' weapon from Star Wars - will also be located in the UK. They expect to have the first parts of the machine operational by 2017.

By 2018, I suspect all the current debate about firearm laws is going to seem pretty... quaint.

(And speaking of the United States - unsatisfied with the European proposals I just mentioned, Americans are now demanding the government build an actual death star!)