Don't Just Fight Terrorism Over There...

Terrorism again - will it never end?  Some people are finding new ways to continue the fight.

Back in 2001, we were told that the terrorists "hate our freedom" - so to address this complaint, Congress passed the PATRIOT act, revoking many of them in hopes that this would solve the problem.

Fighting terrorism overseas so that we don't have to fight it here has proven to be extremely expensive, however, and has yet to completely eliminate the threat.  Possibly because terrorism is a noun (rather than a physically real person, place or thing).

More recently, we're looking into ways to fight terror locally - for example, by coming up with new ways for ordinary citizens to be labeled terrorists.

This blog recently explored how people who record video on farms can be counted amongst the enemies of democracy.

Now a Tennessee state official has come up with an even simpler way for us to join the ranks of international doom-bringers - no need to shoot footage, just complain about your water quality.

Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation Deputy Director Sherwin Smith revealed this innovative approach at a recent community meeting in Maury County, and someone who I presume is already under investigation by DHS covertly recorded the audio with his or her terror-phone.

In response to reports that children are becoming ill drinking the water in the area, he agreed that water quality is something to be taken seriously while advising caution in making an official report:

"But you need to make sure that when you make water quality complaints you have a basis, because federally, if there's no water quality issues, that can be considered under Homeland Security an act of terrorism."

State Representative Sheila Butt organized and was present at the meeting.  She breaks new ground for this blog inasmuch as she's an elected official, yet for a change she's not the hysterical nincompoop who spouted the nonsense inspiring this post.  In fact, she said:

"I think that we need to be very careful with how we use the words 'terrorist' and 'terrorism' - I thought it was out of context, that it did not apply to anything that we were discussing at the meeting."

Wise words, Mrs. Butt.  But with the sequester cutting deeply into funding even for the military, I wonder if you're overlooking a sparkling-clear opportunity to continue fighting the evildoers threatening our way of life without resorting to expensive overseas operations.

Heck, Tennesseans don't even have to travel to worry about drinking the water any more - this saves yet more money in the civilian sector.

Job well done, Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation!  You're a part of why we're doomed.

Mr. Solution Wants to Tell Us a Story About Mr. Problem

Recent polls suggest that, like its musical namesake, bacterial anthrax remains unpopular - despite repeatedly showing up in the news over the last decade or so, unlike its musical namesake.  Perhaps they just have a bad publicist.

Our government, keenly aware of this lack of public appeal, naturally places a high value on keeping anthrax and campaign donors voters far apart.

But there's anthrax, and then there's biological weapons.  Anthrax is a naturally occurring germ, and it's not spread by handshakes or sneezing or dirty toilet seats, you generally have to inhale the spores deeply for it to pose a life-threatening risk.

And partly because of this, it's notoriously hard to "weaponize" - to convert a tank of bacteria solution from a lab into a sort of powder which can withstand being fired at a target, and remain infectious after being dispersed into the air, is far from easy.

Your average terrorist is a busy person who, like most of us, is not over-endowed with advanced microbiology degrees.  So they usually opt for simpler ways of making their point, and in this the news media is a reliable and enthusiastic partner (but that's a story for another article).

Regardless, the government has of course spent umpty-billions on security since September 11 roughly autumn of 2001 (if I mention the actual date in print, I have to send Mayor Giuliani $20), and this includes some $334 million forked over by both the Bush and Obama administrations on something called raxibacumab.

If that sounds like a hell of a lot of "Raxi", it's probably worth mentioning that it rings up somewhere north of $5,000 per dose.

Raxi is the first product of a company known as Human Genome Sciences Inc, and the U.S. Government is the only customer for Raxi.

HGS Inc. was acquired by GlaxoSmithKline last year for some $3.6 billion, a pricetag which I hope included a free unicorn pony for all employees and box seats to ragnarok.  I mention this because GlaxoSmithKline has appeared before in this blog for their canny financial sensibilities when it comes to investing in human misery futures.  They clearly see strong growth ahead for HGS!

There are a number of inexpensive and widely available treatments for anthrax, from ordinary antibiotics to vaccines.  But Raxi is an anti-toxin, which means it goes after the actual poison the bacteria pumps into your body, rather than trying to stop the bug itself.

This makes it potentially a vital defense asset against a weapon made with antibiotic-resistant anthrax (yay!) if such a thing existed (whuuut?)

The government has good reason to fear an attack using a drug-resistant anthrax weapon.  Even though experts point out that the mutations required to make the bug resist antibiotics, while straightforward enough to create, also make it much weaker - less lethal, and less stable.

Conflict of Interest /ˈkɒnflɪkt əv ˈɪntrəst/
(noun) - see Danzig, Richard

The government has good reason to fear such a weapon because famous biology expert Dr. Richard Danzig has for years told them it's really easy to make!

Oh wait, Richard Danzig isn't a famous biologist, or even a doctor... he's a lawyer.  Also an adviser on biowarfare to the Department of Homeland Security, and a snappy dresser to boot.

You'd think a busy guy like that wouldn't have much time for hobbies, but it turns out he also had a side gig for 10 years as the director of - care to guess? - yes, Human Genome Sciences, Inc.

Of course, he is well aware of the possible appearance of a conflict of interest, here, possibly because he sees posters for it with his face on them daily.  Which is why the ivy-league-educated lawyer is very careful about what he says.  As he points out,

"If I have occasion to comment on this, it ought to be in general, as a policy matter, not as a particular procurement."

In other words, scare the wits out of the government all you like about the risks of being thrown into a briar patch, but if you mention that you also own the only anti-briar technology in the country, that would be wrong.  Just let them Google that up for themselves.

The respected scientist lawyer has stated repeatedly that this is a serious risk.  In fact, he does so using words which skim so exquisitely close to the truth, without being in any way relevant, that it's actually kind of... mesmerizing:

"Development of an antibiotic-resistant strain... is quite easy," Mr. Danzig says. "Even at the high school level, biology students understand that an antibiotic-resistant strain can be developed."

Bow your heads, gentle reader, for once again we're in the presence of weapons-grade blarney.

True enough, any idiot a student can grasp how growing a bug in a weak solution of antibiotics can encourage the development of a strain which tends to resist that antibiotic.

But what Danzig says is far more profitable provocative, as it implies (without explicitly saying) that this same student can master the advanced genetics and biochemical wizardry required to turn that into a weapon - something which grown-up people with the resources of whole nations behind them have failed to do for decades!

Which brings us to another eloquent quote from someone close to the matter - specifically Philip Russell, a biodefense official in the Bush administration and former Army major general.  Also, an actual doctor.  When informed of Danzig's dayjob, he responded:

"Holy smoke, that was a horrible conflict of interest"...

Horrible maybe, but it was also a 7-figure bribe payday Danzig skimmed earned while prevaricating making us all safer - or would you rather we face terrorism without any antitoxin?  Or at least, as Danzig emphasizes,

"the president and his staff, members of Congress, key members of the military" could benefit.

Credit where it's due: here is a man who knows bullshit his target market.

And lest you fear that Glaxo's multibillion-dollar investment may prove unwise, Raxi's shelf life is only about 3 years - so we're due for another dose pretty soon... better drop your pants and bend over wipe down that checkbook!

Anyone for some doom?  Leave a comment below (no suspicious envelopes though, please!)

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Tanks

In a world where "wasteful" is an almost mandatory prefix to the phrase "Pentagon spending", another revelation of gross financial irresponsibility from the military budget would hardly make the news these days.

But this one's not your everyday $600 screwdriver.

Abercrombie and Bitch

Sharp-eyed viewers will have noted the monthlong gap since my last posting. It's not for lack of enthusiasm for chronicling the oncoming collapse of all we hold dear, or any loss of will to document the demise of civilization - no, it's just been mundane and unremarkable misc. 

Into the breach steps my lovely 1st wife Fahey, who has keyboarded this delightful guest blog post for your enjoyment. Check out more at her site, and I'll be back with reports from the schadenfreude symphony that is modern life soon enough!

Our Pets Deserve Better

The modern world may be crumbling around us -

but our pets can get Inner Balance from a box. 

If your pet is this stressed,
take a long hard look
at your life choices.

Success has Many Fathers, Doom is an Orphan

Oh, what a difference a year makes.

First, the good news: about a year ago, Congress passed the STOCK act.  Short for "Stop Trading On Congressional Knowledge", this is a measure intended to prevent insider trading by members of congress, their staffers, and other high-ranking government officials. 

This was a big deal, because insider trading had not been particularly illegal for members of Congress in the past... which made the stock market amazingly less risky!  For those who form policy that affects entire industries, Wall Street was more like an ATM than the slot machine it is for everyone else.

When the STOCK act was signed into law, there was much rejoicing - announcements rang out proudly, expensive suits got together to shake hands in front of admiring cameras, and the sun shone brightly that day on Washington's proud defenders of justice and virtue.  It's like the foxes got together and built a henhouse, then peacefully went away to enjoy some burritos.

And as the great circle of life turns, the bad news heaves into view: this week, another bill was passed and signed.  Bereft of a catchy title, 'S. 716' pulls the guts out of the STOCK act and leaves them dripping their virtues into the cold, cold ground.  The henhouse has mysteriously vanished, and the foxes aren't taking calls.

Old MacDonald Wants You Behind Bars

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit a bias in this story: I like animals.

Oh, I'll eat them, even knowing that most of them aren't raised or slaughtered under ideal conditions. That's just the way I roll.

But there's industrial-scale factory farms, and there's the more personal brutality practiced by some individuals employed by the industry which can be so mindlessly cruel and bloodthirsty that it puts you off your food.

Beyond even that abominable evil, there's our abominable elected officials who want to protect the perpetrators.


Animal cruelty was first invented quite a number of years ago, and has become popular both as a hobby and as a form of stress relief amongst worthless wastes of human skin throughout history.

In these modern times, much of the fun of it has been removed by do-gooder types (also known as "people") who have made it both illegal and - in many places - socially unacceptable. You can even temporarily lose your job as a football player for it.

Of course cruelty still exists - and it will continue after I'm done writing this.  It exists both in the casual abuse of someone who believes that hitting a dog is the best way to teach it good behavior, and in the institutionalised slaughter of millions of food animals in painful ways when painless methods are equally cost-effective. And the conversation about how to deal with both types should be ongoing.

My concern is how state legislatures around the country - which, let's face it, are mostly populated by older white men who aren't known for gymnastic flexibility - can get themselves so tied in knots that they actually think protecting the perpetrators is a good idea.

There are those who attempt to gather evidence of unlawful animal treatment at industrial food production facilities, often by getting a job there and wearing a hidden camera.  Sometimes their evidence can lead to prosecution and improvements in animal welfare.

But not for long - if some groups have their way, people who try to bring little dollops of justice to this sordid world may be put behind bars for their trouble.

According to this New York times article, templates for the legislation have been provided by ALEC, the American Legislative Exchange Council.  They're a nonprofit, public-minded bunch who bring corporations and typewriters together to draft laws, so that grateful legislators don't have to trouble themselves to write their own.

They've congealed legislation which has, almost as if by accident, given benefits to such industries as health insurance companies, pharmaceutical and tobacco firms, whatever "fracking" is, and private jails.  You may remember them from such famous laws as Arizona's "show your papers" bill, the Florida "stand your ground" law, and Satan's legal guidelines on how to treat his clientele.

All a big corporation has to do is staple one of their documents to a campaign donation check, and the rest kinda takes care of itself.

The boldly-titled "Animal And Ecological Terrorism Act" prohibits taking pictures or video on a farm which "defame" the facility or its owner.  The penalties can include being placed on a terrorist registry! 

And in case that didn't quite sink in, it bears repeating - taking video on a farm that makes the owner look bad would mean you can be labeled a terrorist.

Other laws, some already on the books, require evidence to be turned over within 24-48 hours - after all, why would you be sitting on evidence of cruelty?  (To try and gather enough to actually convict someone higher up maybe?)

The American Farm Bureau's director of congressional relations Kelli Ludlum explains that these videos are harmful because they can seem troubling to someone unfamiliar with farming, comparing it to watching open heart surgery:

"They could be performing a perfect procedure, but you would consider it abhorrent that they were cutting a person open"

Apparently Kelli and her friends don't understand that things doctors call medical procedures do not normally stretch to include burning off a chicken's beak with a blowtorch.

Another supporter of this idea, Indiana state legislator Don Lehe, points out:

"That property owner is essentially guilty before they had the chance to address the issue"

So if I've understood your reasoning correctly, when you catch a bank robber before he has a chance to return the money, you're a terrorist?

Others unconvinced by the arguments I've just quoted have been fighting the bills on several fronts, and not without success.

My view is that they shouldn't need to waste their time fighting a law which punishes people who gather evidence of other people breaking laws!

Perhaps the only good thing about being doomed is that this kind of crap will eventually end once we're all dead.  But before your ultimate fate arrives, please leave a comment below and let me know what you're thinking!

Thou Shalt Have No Other Monsantos Before Me

Monsanto is kind of like the sky, in a way - so big, you rarely even notice it.

I've been doing a heap of reading lately so there's rather a lot of backstory to this particular one...

Let's start with what has happened - last week, Congress passed a critical budget bill, or to be more descriptive, a Continuing Resolution (defined as: strips of duct tape stretched precariously across the yawning chasm of partisan gridlock, kind of like a hideously expensive fiscal combover) which was in due course signed into law by the President on March 26th.

As is often the case, in amongst its various nooks and crannies is an amendment containing a few modest words of wisdom straight from the good lobbyists folks at Monsanto, the mammoth multi-national agricultural conglomerate.  Nothing unusual about that, and certainly nothing to worry about, they're just doing what they always do, y'know, protecting the family farmer, aw shucks...

A Series of Unfortunate Bankers

No, this won't be Yet Another article about skullduggery and malfeasance in the financial industry (motto: "Enabling assholes since the very concept of money was invented") because like cancer and reality shows, the world already has plenty-if-not-too-much of them.

In fact, this episode of Why We're Doomed will be a quick one because I want to get right to the stupefyingly tone-deaf punchline as soon as I can.

I mean yes, what follows is a prime example of a stupid and unnecessary mistake, leading to years of torment for an innocent man who ultimately keeled over dead in court while fighting a faceless bureaucracy which was defending a meaningless typo with taxpayer-funded armies of soulless, money-grubbing misanthropes.

But this is 2013, so that's not much worse than par for the course, sadly.

Someone Will Actually Die While You Read This

You may need to take a chill pill after reading this little story about Big Pharma.

Honestly I never thought I'd be writing about pharmaceutical companies in this blog - doesn't everybody already hate them? What could I possibly add to the subject?

Their public image is already drowning in enough angry bile to flood a mass grave and nobody expects them to behave with any more civility, altruism or far-sightedness than a rabid goat which is being stung by wasps and has only a flamethrower to defend itself with (I tried to find an illustration but this was the best I could do - sorry, the goat in the picture is not actually rabid)

So I expected to steer clear of the whole pharma-cabal area. But then I read about this, and I kept reading, and finally something in my innards was inspired to secrete just a bit more bile - not my liver, that's long since dried up... I think maybe it was my Islets of Langerhans or something?

Training Wheels for Congressmen?

What, another Pacific Northwest legislator with daffy ideas about taxation and the environment? I could open up a whole new blog about these nincompoops...

It was only a few weeks ago when we covered the scintillating idea from Oregon’s elected officials that people who drive hybrid cars should be taxed more. Their neighbor to the north has not been idle, however, and now Washington state Representative Ed Orcutt has fired a fresh salvo against rationality from more or less the same type of artillery.

Sponsored Detours En Route to Doom

The first rule of advertising since time immemorial, is that every blank surface represents someone losing money from not having an ad on it.

But if you’ve seen some places lately (Las Vegas, Hong Kong, the 4th-9th circles of Hell) you’ll understand that just like endangered species, polar ice and unemployed third-world children, we’re rapidly running out of unsold blank surfaces in our environment. So 21st century advertisers will need to become more devious.

There’s no reason to fear for the future of the ad industry and all its little tapeworm-like denizens, however… the principles of evolution apply even to the lowest life forms. (which is - say it with me - why we’re doomed!)

Sexting Risks - Not Just for Congressmen Any More!

It’s not every day that we come across a story that can inspire the purest form of hopeless, impotent rage to the extent that this one does. Well, it’s nearly every day, but not quite.

In western Massachusetts lies a bucolic county called Berkshire. In Berkshire, the hallowed halls of government play host to the District Attorney’s office. Within these justice-drenched surroundings are stalwart men and women who work tirelessly to maintain order by ensuring that laws are fairly and consistently enforced.

There’s also Second Assistant District Attorney Robert W. Kinzer III, who according to reports in the Berkshire Eagle, must be some kind of scummy deposit behind the fridge in the breakroom.

Now Departing from Gate 27 - Sanity!

It seems like only about 84 days ago when we last reported on baffling concepts in perfume technology, but this one makes me regret ever heaping abuse on that noble scent… in fact, I humbly apologize for ever doubting their contribution to the arts, society and human progress, now that my eyes have been opened to the depths of pointlessness which take place when someone really talented turns their depraved imagination to the art of fragrance.

Recently I learned something which moved my internal doom-clock a bit closer to midnight: There exist people who have been paid to invent, produce and market perfume to make you smell like the great airports of the world.

Voters

These people are, or someday will be, eligible to vote.

This is another reason why we are doomed.

Taxing the Thoughtful

Consider this an example of one hand washing the other - with soot.

Imagine you’re the government of a well known, timberland-encrusted, roughly rectangular state in the Pacific Northwest. Let’s call it Oregon, because there’s no reason not to.

You’re known far and wide for your iconoclastic, progressive, sometimes downright tree-hugging population, and like your politics, your landscape is almost relentlessly green.

So with such abundant resources of environmental consciousness available... isn’t it about time you taxed them?

The Root of the Problem is that Columnists Are "Dumb"

The debate over personal firearm ownership rights in the U.S. is not going to be solved here today. It’s raged for decades, and like any nigh-intractable argument, settling it once and for all would probably require - oh, I don’t know, some kind of really impressive gun, or something.

But please consider this a tilt at the windmill of media boneheadedness, or a futile middle finger directed at the limitless supply of mindless drivel that commentators seem to come equipped with (I assume they carry it in spare clips on a sort of bandolier strap, but what do I know?)

Kids in the Boardroom - the Story of AMC-14

Imagine you're a boy who's throwing $150 million up in the air to pass the time, until a gust of wind catches it just wrong and it gets stuck up a tree. Several passing grownups offer to help get it down, but that would be too humiliating, so you just leave it up there as a write-off.

While that’s not exactly what happened here, it’s just as stupid.

This story is set amidst the hallowed, locker-lined halls of SES Americom high school, a telecommunications satellite conglomerate based in Luxembourg...

Best Omnishambles of 2012 - Year-end Doom

This heartwarming little nugget of sociopathy dates from a few months ago, but deserves to be remembered, lest the unwary tread these treacherous shores again in days to come.

Imagine you have a very hip and popular gathering, such as SXSW, and you need to both promote your wireless services as well as provide them - but paying real estate owners to rent antenna space costs too much money, and even innovative ideas like paying temps to carry portable hotspots around seems a bit too spendy... wait, what about all those grubby folks lying around in alleys and bus shelters, they don’t seem to be doing anything important!