Abercrombie and Bitch

Sharp-eyed viewers will have noted the monthlong gap since my last posting. It's not for lack of enthusiasm for chronicling the oncoming collapse of all we hold dear, or any loss of will to document the demise of civilization - no, it's just been mundane and unremarkable misc. 

Into the breach steps my lovely 1st wife Fahey, who has keyboarded this delightful guest blog post for your enjoyment. Check out more at her site, and I'll be back with reports from the schadenfreude symphony that is modern life soon enough!

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO, Mike I've-Got-A-Head-Like-A-Kicked-Ham Jefferies spoke to online magazine, Salon. He was discussing his brand, who A&F market to, and how they go about it. Here's a selection of what he said. Bless.

"In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids," he told Salon. "Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either."

Don't talk to me if you don't want me to get excited. You got anything else to say?

"I don’t want our core customers to see people who aren’t as hot as them wearing our clothing."

Hallelujah! Finally someone has come out and said it. Thank you, Mr Condom-Full-Of-Wet-Bread, I don't want to see any ugly fatty's wearing the same frock I've got on either. Got any more gems?

"Abercrombie is only interested in people with washboard stomachs who look like they’re about to jump on a surfboard"

You know, you're going to think this is a set up but, this is uncanny. If there was ever any ONE way that ANYONE who knows me, even just a little bit, will inevitably describe me, it is to say that I always look like I'm about ready to jump on a surfboard. Bane. Of. My. LIFE!

"That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people."

Okay, this is freaking me out. That is totally the reason I go in. "Ooh, pretty people. They'll know how to sell me a $68 see-through crop top."

“A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong.”

Dry people. People without the wherewithal to surf - lets start there. Down with those guys! Booooo!

Abercrombie et Fidgit cater well to me and those like me. The Cool. The effortlessly beautiful. The unquenchably popular. Those of us who are size... oh lemme see, what sizes do they carry??

Men Sizes, Tops Small to XXLarge. Pants Small to XL
Women Sizes Tops - XS - L (sizes 000-10) Pants - XS - L (sizes 000 - 12)

Ah right, so ladies sizes are from triple zero - the number you dial in an emergency? "I need 12CC of cake, STAT!"ALLLLL the way up to size 10. Hmm.

And pants, size 000 again "I'm gonna need lard and fast! Goddammit Doctor, I'm losing her!" up to a whopping size 12, you know if you've given up and let yourself go. (That's an almost embarrassing 31" waist. Wouldn't you just prefer to kill yourself, Siobhan?)

Guy's sizes go up to Extra and Extra-Extra Large. Why so? you ask, all stupidly. Well if I've got to spell it out, it's because the ripped and toned abs of your good looking football star look totally hot if they're a bit bigger than their also cool but pigeon-chested hipster guy friends. "I lift heavy things!" "Thanks, Chip, you're handsome and perfect."

"Oh no! Everyone hide! Here comes the lady weight lifter? Um, no! Ew! Put the shirt down and back away from the merchandise, you size 14 Gigantor!"

The really great thing about this whole campaign is that having the old, fat man say he only wants hot, cool kids in his clothes instantly makes his clothes, cooler than the surface of Vostok, Antarctica. Cool kids react so well to being told what else is cool. Which reminds me, you know what else is cool? Going to Prom with your Mum! Isn't it Mrs Jeffries?

Now, all these comments have upset some people. Some, you may have guessed, Not Cool People. One in particular Greg Karber created this viral video of himself going through thrift stores to find old A&F products which he bought then donated to the homeless and downtrodden on LA's notorious Skid Row.

So if you want to be uncool, you can do that too. Trawl through your wardrobes, your friends closets, your local Goodwill store looking for A&F clothes and donate them. You can even donate the T-shirts from A&F's "New College” line that are, like, way respectful and so totes m'goats cool. (The shirts below say "Show the Twins," "Female Students Wanted for Sexual Research,"and "Female streaking encouraged."

Cause, if there's one thing that good ol' Mike McHead-Like-A-Melted-Candle-No-Friends-Nor-Self-Respect Jefferies knows, it's that beautiful people just want to be dressed the same way homeless drunks and drug addicts are.

Awww.

Catch me Mike, you bloat lipped skew eyed Jocelyn Wildenstein faced freak!

Community Announcement Over.
Abercrombie & Fitch for the win!

- fahey

PS I'm off to Abercrombie & Fitch now to buy four size 10 dresses which I'm going to have sewn in to ONE garment that will fit me. And goddammit, I'm gonna wear it BECAUSE I'M COOL AND BEAUTIFUL AND I AM THE VERY OPPOSITE OF VANILLA! CATCH ME, MIKE! CATCH ME WITH YOUR INBRED, MILHOUSE VAN HOUTEN CHROMOSOME DEFICIENT FOUR FINGERED HANDS!