The Root of the Problem is that Columnists Are "Dumb"

The debate over personal firearm ownership rights in the U.S. is not going to be solved here today. It’s raged for decades, and like any nigh-intractable argument, settling it once and for all would probably require - oh, I don’t know, some kind of really impressive gun, or something.

But please consider this a tilt at the windmill of media boneheadedness, or a futile middle finger directed at the limitless supply of mindless drivel that commentators seem to come equipped with (I assume they carry it in spare clips on a sort of bandolier strap, but what do I know?)

This opinion piece by Jeremy Shane, who is pleased to describe himself somewhat vaguely as a former member of the Justice Department under President Bush the 1st, was dropped into our porcelain bowls just a few weeks after the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook elementary in Newtown, Connecticut.

As is too often the case, the article created both joy and grief in my heart - for I am both a blogger who feeds off this sort of thing, and also a citizen of earth who actually has to live here as well.

As is too often the case, this remarkable fodder for Why We’re Doomed came from CNN.

I suggest reading the whole thing, but I will take the liberty (guaranteed by my 2nd-amendment rights) to summarize some of his key - well, “points” is too strong a word, but...

"The root of the problem is that guns are "dumb." Pull the trigger and they discharge bullets mindlessly, regardless of who is doing the aiming or where they are aimed. Guns should “know” not to fire in schools, churches, hospitals or malls. They should sense when they are being aimed at a child, or at a person when no other guns are nearby."

I know, right? It’s one of those jaw-dropping insights which makes so much sense, it doesn’t make any sense at all… but, he has more:

"[Bans on items such as clips] will not change the risk that an event happens at all if the person holding the gun wants to harm others. Addressing that challenge with reliable precision requires a hardware and software solution."

And here we are, wasting time debating off-topic issues such as the Second Amendment, mental health care, whether guns are bulwarks against tyranny or ticking time-bombs, the effectiveness of legislative solutions… All along we’re missing the ROOT of the problem: we just needed a firmware update!

Naturally, he’s not overlooking the downsides:

Couldn’t gun software be hacked? Perhaps, but the risk can be reduced by open-sourcing code, requiring software patch downloads, and notifying gun makers or law enforcement if software is disabled.

See how he did that? Skipping nimbly past the absurdity of the basic premise, he cleverly anticipates a key practical flaw, then eases our minds by assuring us that the risk of catastrophe can be - in his word - “reduced”, merely by adding still more complexity to his proposal.

Now before you dismiss this as merely the wild-eyed ravings of someone who’s watched too much cheesy science fiction, I should point out that we have no confirmed evidence that Mr. Shane has watched ANY science fiction.

Let us, with the help of heavy-duty lifting equipment, set aside some of the more gaping holes in this notion. I mean, I haven’t checked the latest figures, but the existing quantity of so-called “dumb” guns must number in the hundreds at least, and unlike the video game world which seems to have inspired this fever dream, they don’t become obsolete quickly. They’ll be plentiful, functional and available long after his genius gun is possible. But for the sake of argument let’s forget about all that!

Let’s also dismiss any concerns we might have about the reliability of complex software applications like this - just make sure to stick with certified experts in thoroughly dependable software, like those from the smartphone industry. This could work, people!

In fact, I think we can extend this idea still further, and solve a more fundamental societal problem with technology. Let’s put an end to offensively idiotic articles written by dumbasses who can’t be bothered to rub two brain cells together long enough to have a thought.

The root of the problem, let’s agree, is that keyboards are “dumb”. They let any yahoo write up whatever damn fool crap crosses their tiny minds. Keyboards should “know” when they’re being misused, such as when Jeremy Shane is in the vicinity.

We could configure the camera on every laptop and smartphone to measure the distance between the eyebrows and estimate the width of the skull cavity - if either is zero, the keyboard shuts down.

If the address of an editor from CNN (or Fox, or MSNBC, but mainly CNN) appears in the user’s contacts list, the keyboard should discharge a moderate electrical shock every time he or she uses the buttons to express a personal opinion of any kind.

And of course, if you are the kind of person who can so comprehensively miss the point as to write a column that somehow ignores both sides of the most polarizing debate in modern times, the keyboard should somehow sense this and open a black hole to swallow you and all your personal effects, without leaving any toxic residue to pollute the environment.

These are just a few examples of the potential we’re looking at - call it pie-in-the-sky dreaming if you like, but it’s at least as plausible as making guns smarter.

Of course, this smart keyboard technology would have the added effect of drastically reducing the overall torrent of fresh crap drenching the net on a daily basis, but in this case, I feel the ends justify the means. (I can always go back to screaming at the wall)